Hardcore twenty-four / Janet Evanovich.
"Reluctantly agreeing to babysit a professional grave robber's pet boa constrictor, Stephanie Plum is embroiled in a bizarre series of crimes that escalate from the violation of stolen corpses to the murder of a homeless man, a case that is complicated by the return of the hunky but reckless Diesel."-- Atlas Publishing.
Record details
- ISBN: 9780399179198
- ISBN: 0399179194
- Physical Description: 285 pages ; 24 cm.
- Publisher: New York : G.P. Putnam's Sons, [2017]
- Copyright: ©2017
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Genre: | Mystery fiction. Humorous fiction. |
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- 155 of 160 copies available at Evergreen Indiana.
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Hardcore Twenty-Four
A Stephanie Plum Novel
By Janet Evanovich
Penguin Publishing Group
Copyright © 2017 Janet Evanovich
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-399-17919-8All rights reserved.
Simon Diggery and Ethel, his pet boa constrictor, were up a tree about fifty feet from Simonâs rust bucket doublewide. Ethel looked comfy draped over a branch halfway up the tree. Simon looked like death warmed over. He was scrunched into a crook a couple feet below Ethel. He was barefoot, wearing striped pajamas, and his grey hair was even more of a mess than usual.
My name is Stephanie Plum. I work as a bond enforcement officer in Trenton, New Jersey, and Simon was in violation of his bond.Â
Simon is a professional grave robber. When he gets caught robbing a grave my cousin Vinnie is his bail bondsman of choice. Vinnie posts a cash bond guaranteeing the court that if Simon is released he will return when scheduled. If Simon doesnât show up on time, Iâm sent out to fetch him.Â
I was presently standing a respectable distance from the tree, looking up at Simon, keeping a watch on Ethel. I was with my sidekick, Lula.
If Lula was a pastry sheâd be a big chocolate cupcake with a lot of frosting. Iâd be more of a croissant with a ponytail. I have curly shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes, and some people think I look like Julia Roberts on her day off.Â
âSimon,â Lula yelled. âWhat the heck are you and Ethel doing in the tree?â
âI been up here since last night,â Simon said. âIâm afraid to come down on account of the zombies.â
âYou gotta stop drinking that home-made grain liquor,â Lula said.Â
âI wasnât drinking,â Simon said. âI was working my trade at that cemetery on Morley Street last night, and I accidentally dug into a zombie portal.â
âSay what?â Lula said. âI never heard of no zombie portal.â
âItâs not widely publicized that they exist. Mostly people in my profession know about it. Itâs an occupational hazard. I only dug into a portal once before, and I was able to beat the zombies back with my shovel, but this time was a whole other deal. There was too many of them, so I ran for my truck and took off. Only thing is they tracked me down. They got a real good sense of smell. Theyâre like raggedy bloodhounds. They come at me when I was sleeping. They wanted my brain. Thatâs what they kept saying.  Brains, brains, brains.  Iâd be a goner if it wasnât for Ethel. She donât like getting woke up, and I guess zombies donât like snakes. Anyways I was able to get away, and Ethel and me climbed this tree.â
âBecause zombies canât climb trees?â I asked Simon.
âYou got it,â Simon said. âZombies only walk straight ahead. They canât back up neither.â
âYou were supposed to be in court first thing this morning,â I told him.
âWell excuse me,â Simon said, âbut I had bigger problems. âSuppose I was able to get to court, and the zombies followed me there, and they ate all the peopleâs brains who were in the court?â
âThis is Trenton,â Lula said. âYou might not notice.â
I cut my eyes to Lula. âThere are no zombies.â
âHow can you be sure?â Lula said.
I blew out a sigh and looked back at Simon. âHereâs the deal. You come down, and weâll protect you from the zombies.â
âYou gotta either chop off their head or shoot them in the brain,â Simon said. âThatâs the only way.â
âI got a gun,â Lula said, shoving her hand into her over-sized imitation Jimmy Choo bag. âItâs in here somewhere.â
âWhat about Ethel?â Simon said. âIf I stay in jail awhile until the zombies forget about me, whoâs gonna take care of Ethel?â
âYouâll have to make arrangements,â I said.
âI donât got no one,â Simon said. âMy cousin Snacker is in West Virginia, and my neighbors would chop her up and fry her in bacon fat. You gotta promise to take care of Ethel.â
âNo way,â I said.Â
âMe neither,â Lula said.
âSheâs no bother,â Simon said. âYou just gotta feed her once a week. Just come in and leave her a groundhog or something.â
âThey donât usually sell groundhog in the supermarket,â Lula said.
âI get them from the side of the road,â Simon said. âEthel donât care if theyâre swelled up or anything. She likes fried chicken too. And she wouldnât stick her nose up at a pizza. And if worse comes to worse I keep a bag of rats in the freezer.â
âYou got electric?â Lula asked.
âCourse I got electric,â Simon said. âThis hereâs a civilized neighborhood.â
âHow are you going to get Ethel out of the tree?â
âI got some hotdogs,â Simon said. âIâll leave a trail of hotdogs that goes straight to the kitchen. And then once sheâs inside weâll lock the door.â
Ten minutes later Simon had the hotdogs all laid out.
âShe donât look interested,â Lula said, staring up at Ethel.
âIt could take a while,â Simon said. âShe donât move so fast. I guess we could just leave the door open for her.â
âYou could get robbed if you do that,â Lula said.
âI got a fifty-pound snake for a pet,â Simon said. âNobody comes near here excepting the zombies.â
I cuffed Simon, loaded him into my SUV, and drove him to the police station. I handed Simon over to the cop in charge, and Simon explained that should a zombie show up, the cop needed to shoot the zombie in the brain. The cop assured Simon it was a done deal.
My name is Stephanie Plum. I work as a bond enforcement officer in Trenton, New Jersey, and Simon was in violation of his bond.Â
Simon is a professional grave robber. When he gets caught robbing a grave my cousin Vinnie is his bail bondsman of choice. Vinnie posts a cash bond guaranteeing the court that if Simon is released he will return when scheduled. If Simon doesnât show up on time, Iâm sent out to fetch him.Â
I was presently standing a respectable distance from the tree, looking up at Simon, keeping a watch on Ethel. I was with my sidekick, Lula.
If Lula was a pastry sheâd be a big chocolate cupcake with a lot of frosting. Iâd be more of a croissant with a ponytail. I have curly shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes, and some people think I look like Julia Roberts on her day off.Â
âSimon,â Lula yelled. âWhat the heck are you and Ethel doing in the tree?â
âI been up here since last night,â Simon said. âIâm afraid to come down on account of the zombies.â
âYou gotta stop drinking that home-made grain liquor,â Lula said.Â
âI wasnât drinking,â Simon said. âI was working my trade at that cemetery on Morley Street last night, and I accidentally dug into a zombie portal.â
âSay what?â Lula said. âI never heard of no zombie portal.â
âItâs not widely publicized that they exist. Mostly people in my profession know about it. Itâs an occupational hazard. I only dug into a portal once before, and I was able to beat the zombies back with my shovel, but this time was a whole other deal. There was too many of them, so I ran for my truck and took off. Only thing is they tracked me down. They got a real good sense of smell. Theyâre like raggedy bloodhounds. They come at me when I was sleeping. They wanted my brain. Thatâs what they kept saying.  Brains, brains, brains.  Iâd be a goner if it wasnât for Ethel. She donât like getting woke up, and I guess zombies donât like snakes. Anyways I was able to get away, and Ethel and me climbed this tree.â
âBecause zombies canât climb trees?â I asked Simon.
âYou got it,â Simon said. âZombies only walk straight ahead. They canât back up neither.â
âYou were supposed to be in court first thing this morning,â I told him.
âWell excuse me,â Simon said, âbut I had bigger problems. âSuppose I was able to get to court, and the zombies followed me there, and they ate all the peopleâs brains who were in the court?â
âThis is Trenton,â Lula said. âYou might not notice.â
I cut my eyes to Lula. âThere are no zombies.â
âHow can you be sure?â Lula said.
I blew out a sigh and looked back at Simon. âHereâs the deal. You come down, and weâll protect you from the zombies.â
âYou gotta either chop off their head or shoot them in the brain,â Simon said. âThatâs the only way.â
âI got a gun,â Lula said, shoving her hand into her over-sized imitation Jimmy Choo bag. âItâs in here somewhere.â
âWhat about Ethel?â Simon said. âIf I stay in jail awhile until the zombies forget about me, whoâs gonna take care of Ethel?â
âYouâll have to make arrangements,â I said.
âI donât got no one,â Simon said. âMy cousin Snacker is in West Virginia, and my neighbors would chop her up and fry her in bacon fat. You gotta promise to take care of Ethel.â
âNo way,â I said.Â
âMe neither,â Lula said.
âSheâs no bother,â Simon said. âYou just gotta feed her once a week. Just come in and leave her a groundhog or something.â
âThey donât usually sell groundhog in the supermarket,â Lula said.
âI get them from the side of the road,â Simon said. âEthel donât care if theyâre swelled up or anything. She likes fried chicken too. And she wouldnât stick her nose up at a pizza. And if worse comes to worse I keep a bag of rats in the freezer.â
âYou got electric?â Lula asked.
âCourse I got electric,â Simon said. âThis hereâs a civilized neighborhood.â
âHow are you going to get Ethel out of the tree?â
âI got some hotdogs,â Simon said. âIâll leave a trail of hotdogs that goes straight to the kitchen. And then once sheâs inside weâll lock the door.â
Ten minutes later Simon had the hotdogs all laid out.
âShe donât look interested,â Lula said, staring up at Ethel.
âIt could take a while,â Simon said. âShe donât move so fast. I guess we could just leave the door open for her.â
âYou could get robbed if you do that,â Lula said.
âI got a fifty-pound snake for a pet,â Simon said. âNobody comes near here excepting the zombies.â
I cuffed Simon, loaded him into my SUV, and drove him to the police station. I handed Simon over to the cop in charge, and Simon explained that should a zombie show up, the cop needed to shoot the zombie in the brain. The cop assured Simon it was a done deal.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Hardcore Twenty-Four by Janet Evanovich. Copyright © 2017 Janet Evanovich. Excerpted by permission of Penguin Publishing Group.
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